Cancer

Cancer is defined as any evil condition or thing that spreads destructively. People can be cancerous, possessions can be cancerous, food can be cancerous, and mindsets can be cancerous.

I have a small family, but we're super close, and I am lucky that most of my family is still alive. I only experienced death once as a kid (that I can really remember vividly), when I lost my Uncle to a cancer, alcohol. In my adult life I have lost a couple of friends to cancers (war and drugs). It wasn't until last year though, that the "cancer" we all know effected me on a personal level.

There is a funny thing about cancer (that's not so funny at all), when it effects you personally, it likes to go big. It likes to cut deep. It likes to test your emotional limits, your faith (in God, or in Nature), and your love. Cancer takes you to this emotional hell that you've never visited before. It plays games with you. It even goes so far as to strip you down so much that you live in a constant fear of its next move.

My first cancer experience was last spring, when one of the people closest to my heart was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She conquered it, and she lives to be one of the most vibrant, successful, and inspiring people I know. A triumph over cancer is about the biggest triumph there could possibly be.

Unfortunately, cancer doesn't enjoy triumphs. It couldn't beat her, but it was sure as heck going to find someone else to beat...taking another cut, cancer targeted my Grandpa in early fall. Up until this point, I knew about leukemia, but I'd never actually experienced it. And here I was, 24 years old, experiencing it for the first time. Grandpa's prognosis was grim, and in the midst of his fight against this cancer, I lost my Great Grandfather to the battle against the clock.

Losing my great grandfather was the biggest loss I've ever experienced. He was the number 2 man in my life, behind only my dad, and I felt like a piece of me died with him. In the days leading up to his death, I feel guilty saying it, but I didn't even think about the cancer that was killing his son, my grandfather. I was concerned only about this frail old man, his character, his warm eyes, and his even warmer smile...

My grandpa is still fighting this beast of a disease inside of him with all of his might, but, the thing about cancer is, it doesn't like you to win. This introduction to leukemia may very well take the last grandfather I have...and to think that six months ago, I hadn't ever even experienced it.

In the midst of the coping with life and death, cancer and age, I was hit again. Last week, my Aunt (the youngest of my dad's sisters), was diagnosed with lung, brain, and lymphatic cancers. Instead of just hitting my aunt with one jab, cancer took shots at all ends. It attacked, Hiroshima style, with absolutely no warning.

My experience with cancer may only be nine months old, it may have hit when I'm old enough and mature enough to understand it, but cancer hit me hard. It gave me no warning. It gave me no weapon to battle with except for love for those fighting it. To have people fighting this giant who I love, who are my family, is one of the toughest things a person can do. The fear that comes with knowing that this disease changes your life in a moments notice is overwhelming. It's impossible to avoid. And, it makes it even more apparent that you can't avoid the inevitable.

I write tonight with a heavy heart. Unable to put into words what I feel, why I feel it, or even why it is that I feel it. I am not experiencing cancer the disease personally, but it is personally attacking me, and cancer as fear is settling into my mindset....

Grandpa Bob and Aunt Robin: I love you all with all of my heart. You've made such a significant impact on my life that "thank you" will never be enough to show my gratitude. I know that I never told you enough...that I didn't put in the effort to know you like I should have, but I want you to know that I love you, and that you're survivors, and this "disease" effects us all. You're not alone. We're all fighting right next to you...

"If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up, or fight like hell." -Lance Armstrong